z500

Sounds like the XY problem

You win a free trip to the Hague

Apparently “cotton” and “Mexican” are slurs

I’m already 2 years older than Mozart was when he died, the fuck am I even doing with my life

This reminds me of how I used to eat a spoonful of chunky peanut butter and then add a glug of maple syrup

About 10 years ago someone actually burned to death from static discharge at a gas pump like 2 miles down the road from my house. It’s extremely rare, but it does happen.

Nice, very trochaic

Pour it on yourself and you’ll never have to work another day in your life

Happy Threshold Day!

“ingenuity is kill”
“no”

And I will see my dream come alive at last

I saw George W. Bush at a grocery store in Kennebunkport yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”

I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

Absolutely me:

If it’s hard Rs you want, just put on any episode where O’Brien is mad at the Cardassians

But “was killed” is literally a passive construction

Well there goes my dream of quitting my job and living in a towel fort at Bed Bath and Beyond

At my old job they had these kiosks that had a printer and would beep when they were out of paper. One of them beeped at a low pitch for some reason. It always reminded me of old computer games

EINER